2-19-11 9:02 pm Barely Ok

What's the deal? I smile, think positive thoughts, use positive language, look for more ways to feel, act, and be more positive, and then even smile some more. Lots of the time this works some sort of invisible magic, and I feel like I'm floating in an impermeable bubble of good will and happy good fortune.

This weekend feels different. Yesterday a palpable funk permeated the consciousness of Anne and Harold. They both gently and persistently asked "Are you OK?" "Do you need anything?" What did I do to deserve these loving people to call my family? Today feels slightly better, only slightly. I actually did my hair and makeup, contributed fun ideas for today's activities, and practiced some songs I'm singing for a worship service tomorrow. Evidence points to improvement. My smile looks upside down, just the same, and I find myself feeling ... barely OK.

Maybe I let work create a little imbalance, certainly possible as I love what I do and the people with whom I'm privileged to engage every day. There must be more to it. Maybe it's OK, to just feel OK. So much of the time I'm either witnessing the miracle of learning, supporting someone deeply invested in their work, getting exercise, deepening my personal relationships, shopping, cleaning, cooking something delicious, accomplishing, accomplishing, accomplishing. Perhaps the continual high of joyful giving and productive living has me feeling a bit melancholy. The struggle for me: it feels like there's a little less to get excited about.

Facts: we have a roof over our heads, food in the fridge, our health, heat, love, and jobs...for now. So much for which to feel grateful. On one hand, it may simply be the right time to appreciate those tremendous privileges. On the other, I think, maybe barely OK is pretty darn good, for a low.