2-13-11 Impulse

How it drives us, impulse. Impulse to buy, eat, appear a certain way - funny, savvy, all-knowing, to look important, valuable, indispensable. And pursuing these ends then becomes its own journey. How else do we lose ourselves, lose focus, misplace our values, and misrepresent ourselves? This kind of cognitive activity lands the lucky among us in therapy, those of us lucky enough to realize we need help and know where to find it.

Trite example:

"Hi! How are you?"

"Great, and you?

"Great! (pause) Well, I don't know why I said that, lately I feel so stressed out about..."

And that pause, magical, perspective-yielding pause, grants a moment of reflection in which we get a chance to let truth bubble to the surface.

Think of icons of wisdom and kindness in recorded history: Mother Theresa, Einstein, Newton, Gandhi, The Dali Lama. These individuals live(d) their lives, purposefully, intentionally, deliberately. They were (are) known for thoughtfulness rather than rashness. Quick-witted humor they left to others.

So why rush? Why try to appear a certain way? How about just being, and letting our true nature rise to the surface? How about living more genuinely?

This weekend I seemed to need to think about a lot of things: when to go to that new yoga class? where to find time to get to the rec. center? fitting in writing. which church service seems to fit into our hectic schedule? doing the bills. spending time with Anne. should I send Valentine's cards to my family? what planning remains for the coming week at school?

And I worked some long hours this week. My husband needed us to spend some quality time together. He'd pressed gently for it over the last 36 hours. I felt angry with myself for failing to yield. Failing to look him in the eye and listen to his thoughts and wonderings without distraction. New in this scenario, (our relationship is familiar with this state of mind of mine) seemed my ability to react by waiting. I waited and waited, cognizant of my distraction, and not reacting. What a feeling of control to avoid letting impulse dictate my responses (an allowance that usually lands us in a disagreement).

And then something magical happened: Harold asked what I was thinking about, what I needed. It all poured out. My worry about schedules, new ideas, concern for whether we're parenting well, money. I took advantage of his invitation and shoveled the snow storm of thoughts out of my inner thinking circle, and onto the front yard of our relationship. All my concerns suddenly shared, I felt room to just be with him. I looked into his eyes, and his smile and sigh of relief showed he felt the connection he needed.

That moment of sharing brought us a connection that put us on the same page. Now we are ready to face our day. Together in body and in mind.