4-27-11 5:08 pm I Think I Can...

I think I can leave work on-time. (I did it today and spent more time with Anne.)

I think I can ask for help. (I did it today and it left more time for other tasks.)

I think I can hold others responsible for their actions. (I did it today and felt...lighter!)

I think I can seek out business services to help me. (I did it today and anticipate responses.)

I think I can relax after work. (I did it today and my headache is trickling away.)

I think I can share my woes. (I did it today and caring people at work rallied around me.)

I think I can receive kindness. (I did it today and feel like I have a friend!)

I think I can have faith in my actions. (I did today and spoke of a discipline response, several times, without anxiety.)

I think I can take care of myself. I just need to remember how, and remind myself to do it.

4-19-11 6:55 pm Angerlust

Merriam-Webster on-line says "wanderlust" means a "strong longing for or impulse toward wandering", as in: "Wanderlust ... led him to explore many different parts of the world." The impression in my mind is one of delving deeper. A person full of wanderlust might have explored the depths of the Grand Canyon, the heights of Mount Everest, and the far reaches of Continental shores. Some sort of nebulous yet intrinsic value seems to attach itself to the concept of exploration. Angerlust, then, might mean a "strong longing for or impulse toward anger", as in: "Angerlust has led him to explore many different parts of ... himself." When we include the word "explore" in the definition of "angerlust", does it make the emotion any more attractive?

I can see it now: travel agencies designing ad campaigns touting how much anger this or that destination incites. People could start waking up, planning for events in their day to make them angry. In place of "take a walk in the park" on my daily calendar might appear "get really ticked off!". About what, I don't know. Might have to plan for that one.

Maintaining positive attitudes throughout daily life includes smiles, yes, yet it also includes tears, frustration, and of course, anger. I see nothing wrong with anger. Difficult emotion though it is, it's not necessarily a negative one. Feeling bad about anger is negative. Anger can lead to powerful self-discoveries. A little anger (or a lot) teaches such powerful lessons, it's likely worth the pain of the emotion. Can anger teach us so much that it's worth feeling good about, or even embracing?

Which Greek philosopher said that "knowledge is power"? According to wikipedia, that quote is attributed to multiple scholars. Regardless of its origin, there's truth in the power of self-knowledge.

Most recently for me was a rather gargantuan bought of anger that stirred up the realization that I need to have say. Losing the feeling of having appropriate influence in life situations leaves me feeling powerless, helpless, and at the mercy of others regardless of the outcome. It makes me feel abandoned, even if I'm the one doing the abandoning. (I have abandonment issues.)

Example: last week Anne asked to have a sleep-over. Honestly, sleep-overs are low on my list of favorites when it comes to Anne's time with friends. They go to sleep late, get up early, and require vigilant supervision. It's the marathon of parenting for me. We're better-equipped to deal with these events than in years past, mostly due to experience. Still, I'd rather take a bunch of girls to the park for the afternoon than have a slumber party. I'd rather go to the dentist than invite children over for a sleep-over. Yes, even doing our taxes has more appeal than those late-night slumber parties.

None-the-less, sleep-overs seem to be a part of growing up in America. Who am I to nay-say them? I can, however, put some parameters in place. I tried, all-be-it unsuccessfully, last weekend. "Yes" I responded to the sleep-over request, "as long as you girls come up with a plan."

See, I plan for fun, engaging activities for children all day, every day, at work. What a privilege. During the weekends, however, a break from this seems in order. The remainder of the week came and went; the girls remained planless. Friday afternoon brought an expectant daughter to my desk, accompanied by voice mails from parents trying to make a plan for their families' Friday evenings. So, I complied, and begrudgingly brought home three children, planless though they remained.

The next morning, bright and early, Harold headed out with the children. They went out to breakfast, swimming at the local recreation center, bowling, and out to lunch. My planning. Again. Success strategy for me: stay at home. Yes, it was expensive, and yes, I'm indebted to my husband for his generosity with time and money. And yes, I went through my own personal hell trying to figure out why I felt livid the whole time.

I'd needed more say. Looking back, I could have made many modifications to the over-night plan, seeing that the girls failed to hold up their end of the deal. Ignoring the leverage I possessed left me feeling like I had nowhere to turn. And it made me super-mad.

At 40 years-of-age, I need to be self-reliant. As a parent, I need to be in control. As an adult, I need to take responsibility for myself, and hold others accountable when and where appropriate. If I don't, who will? This revelation gives me a giant dose of power. Good power. "I'm in charge of my life and my destiny" kinda power.

It's so wonderful, I'm considering what other yet-to-be discovered or rediscovered revelations might lurk deep within my subconscious. It might even be worth...getting really mad about something just to find out.

4-3-11 4:23 pm The Boomerang Effect

OK, it's possible I work too hard. This spring break I painted four rooms in our house, rearranged furniture and knick-knacks (yes, Mom, a few decorative items now grace various flat surfaces in our abode), and repaired a lot of stuff. In a 100 year-old house, needed repairs are easy to come by. They also happen to be easy to carry out since the original stuff was crafted using solid, real materials. I digress. Surprise, all that work's left me in rather a funk. On the other hand, the time was available. Carpe diem. This entry, however, is about what happened next. As interesting and involved as all those projects became, they definitely played the supporting role to a deeper tale of universal goodness. In the end, what impressed me the most was the kindness of strangers. So all week I've balanced between acting civil, and completing gargantuan amounts of work. It was tricky to say the least. Smiling, leaving the "b" word out of my vocabulary, all that positivity stuff sat on the back burner while I relocated garden beds, prepared soil, and planted seeds while the paint dried in bedroom number two. And yet, every single sales person, wait person, customer service clerk, heck, even my own family members who've hopefully suffered only a little with all this work, showed kindness beyond my expectations. Ever walk into your local mega-hardware warehouse, ask for something, and then at the promise of "let me find someone who can help" realize, you're watching the back of "assistance" as it walks away from you, never to return? Ever felt left in the black hole of ignorance? It never happened. All week I was met with either help or fulfilled promises of assistance. I'd go to the register and chance upon the first sales clerk I'd queried upon entering, only to be met with: "Was anyone able to help you find those clematis seeds you wanted?" In fact, help had come, the seeds were not in yet, and I'd found some other must-have's in the mean time. We visited a smaller hardware store yesterday, and the staff fell all over us with kindness. I actually momentarily flattered myself with the delusion that one of the young men working that day was flirting with me. Then it came out in our conversation that he was from the mid-west. He was just being his super-nice self. Harold agrees. Anne was helpful. She wanted to paint with me, and did when she could. When she couldn't, she diligently practiced her instruments or read. She claimed to appreciate the unlimited reading time. I certainly appreciated the work time. Harold complimented my work. He worried over me. He urged me to slow down. And then he'd thank me for all I'd done. He cooked dinner. I left my purse at a restaurant. They called my friends and family members from my cell phone before I even missed it. In what universe does that happen? Of course nothing was missing from my belongings. The next time we visited (OK, they do chocolate, and we're having a hard time staying away), our waiter recognized both me and my purse. Same guy. Same purse. Same very excellent chocolate. Ahhh. And friends got together for lunch. They celebrated my birthday. It turns out thoughtful messages in fun cards and a yummy carrot cake make me feel loved and cared for. And my daffodils bloomed. The week held its challenges. And more are yet to come. The kindnesses I experienced made up for them, will continue to make up for them, and then some. All this good energy feels like it's about more than a parsimonious universe paying me back for my lately efforts at positivity. At the risk of sounding ego-centric, I'm gonna go ahead and say that it may have had something to do with my willingness, in fact my hopefulness, to see it. I think we find what we hope for. We see what we expect. It's all about self-fulfilling prophesies, because perception is everything. Take everything for what you hope it will be, for what you hope is intended, and your wishes come to pass. It's like a perpetual prayer which keeps getting answered. Kindness has renewed my faith in the world, and with faith I go out again, looking for kindness in turn. I'm thinking I'll find it.