4-19-11 6:55 pm Angerlust

Merriam-Webster on-line says "wanderlust" means a "strong longing for or impulse toward wandering", as in: "Wanderlust ... led him to explore many different parts of the world." The impression in my mind is one of delving deeper. A person full of wanderlust might have explored the depths of the Grand Canyon, the heights of Mount Everest, and the far reaches of Continental shores. Some sort of nebulous yet intrinsic value seems to attach itself to the concept of exploration. Angerlust, then, might mean a "strong longing for or impulse toward anger", as in: "Angerlust has led him to explore many different parts of ... himself." When we include the word "explore" in the definition of "angerlust", does it make the emotion any more attractive?

I can see it now: travel agencies designing ad campaigns touting how much anger this or that destination incites. People could start waking up, planning for events in their day to make them angry. In place of "take a walk in the park" on my daily calendar might appear "get really ticked off!". About what, I don't know. Might have to plan for that one.

Maintaining positive attitudes throughout daily life includes smiles, yes, yet it also includes tears, frustration, and of course, anger. I see nothing wrong with anger. Difficult emotion though it is, it's not necessarily a negative one. Feeling bad about anger is negative. Anger can lead to powerful self-discoveries. A little anger (or a lot) teaches such powerful lessons, it's likely worth the pain of the emotion. Can anger teach us so much that it's worth feeling good about, or even embracing?

Which Greek philosopher said that "knowledge is power"? According to wikipedia, that quote is attributed to multiple scholars. Regardless of its origin, there's truth in the power of self-knowledge.

Most recently for me was a rather gargantuan bought of anger that stirred up the realization that I need to have say. Losing the feeling of having appropriate influence in life situations leaves me feeling powerless, helpless, and at the mercy of others regardless of the outcome. It makes me feel abandoned, even if I'm the one doing the abandoning. (I have abandonment issues.)

Example: last week Anne asked to have a sleep-over. Honestly, sleep-overs are low on my list of favorites when it comes to Anne's time with friends. They go to sleep late, get up early, and require vigilant supervision. It's the marathon of parenting for me. We're better-equipped to deal with these events than in years past, mostly due to experience. Still, I'd rather take a bunch of girls to the park for the afternoon than have a slumber party. I'd rather go to the dentist than invite children over for a sleep-over. Yes, even doing our taxes has more appeal than those late-night slumber parties.

None-the-less, sleep-overs seem to be a part of growing up in America. Who am I to nay-say them? I can, however, put some parameters in place. I tried, all-be-it unsuccessfully, last weekend. "Yes" I responded to the sleep-over request, "as long as you girls come up with a plan."

See, I plan for fun, engaging activities for children all day, every day, at work. What a privilege. During the weekends, however, a break from this seems in order. The remainder of the week came and went; the girls remained planless. Friday afternoon brought an expectant daughter to my desk, accompanied by voice mails from parents trying to make a plan for their families' Friday evenings. So, I complied, and begrudgingly brought home three children, planless though they remained.

The next morning, bright and early, Harold headed out with the children. They went out to breakfast, swimming at the local recreation center, bowling, and out to lunch. My planning. Again. Success strategy for me: stay at home. Yes, it was expensive, and yes, I'm indebted to my husband for his generosity with time and money. And yes, I went through my own personal hell trying to figure out why I felt livid the whole time.

I'd needed more say. Looking back, I could have made many modifications to the over-night plan, seeing that the girls failed to hold up their end of the deal. Ignoring the leverage I possessed left me feeling like I had nowhere to turn. And it made me super-mad.

At 40 years-of-age, I need to be self-reliant. As a parent, I need to be in control. As an adult, I need to take responsibility for myself, and hold others accountable when and where appropriate. If I don't, who will? This revelation gives me a giant dose of power. Good power. "I'm in charge of my life and my destiny" kinda power.

It's so wonderful, I'm considering what other yet-to-be discovered or rediscovered revelations might lurk deep within my subconscious. It might even be worth...getting really mad about something just to find out.