I think anger gets a bad rap. "Anger - just one letter away from 'danger'". - author unknown. The very premise of my blog might suggest that anger is, well, bad. I mean, who wants to read a blog called "Angrily Boggin'"? In fact, spending most of my time attempting to foster the positive further supports an assumption that I think ill of anger.
On the contrary, I find anger to be a most useful emotion. Ok, in an ideal world I might pay more attention to joy than to anger. In fact, it's balancing that very scale that inspires me to focus on fostering the positive, and write this blog. Yet it would be a gross oversight to, say, ignor this informative emotion.
Anger, thankfully, demands attention. What if Abraham Lincoln thought thought our union should be divided into North and South? What if the "anti" was left off and we just had "bellum"? Might we still have slaves? What if Rosa Parks hadn't gotten fed up with segragation? Would my best childhood friend, Dion, be relegated to the back of her bus for the rest of her life due to her black coffee skin color? What if a physically abused person continued to take beatings rather than get fed up and act? Anger tells us something we need to pay attention to, and hopefully inspires us to act effectively. In cases of domestic violence the victims can spend so much time justifying the behavior, they forget to protect themselves.
Human brains look for patterns. Victims sometimes opt for predictability over safety. And what about happiness? We may pay less attention to joy than to anger because we enjoy joy. Our brains simply assume the happiness will repeat itself without making further efforts. Conversely, when our brains acknowledge anger, defeat, dissappointment, or any other negative emotion, brains assume they will repeat themselves as well, and go into fight or flight mode.
So: hubby has flowers delivered, and wife tells all her co-workers, joyfully, about it. She may entirely forget to thank him later. Hubby leaves dirty dishes in the sink, and wife notices them just as she's about to cook dinner. She lays into him when he arrives home from work about his lack of respect and responsibility, and flatly refuses to cook.
Noticing our emotions, and intentionally planning for their repeat or ceassation might positively impact our day-to-day life experiences. Had wife gushed over flowers to hubby, it might encourage him to repeat the act. Being intentional is different than manipulating. Harold now looks so pleased with himself when he comes in with my coffee. It happens maybe every other week, and sure, I'd love it to happen more. The fact is, that he knows I like it because I tell him so and he intentionally makes it happen.
Had wife, instead of laying into hubby about the dishes when he walked in the door, asked him to take her out to dinner because the sink was too full to cook, he could have recieved the same information with an entirely different outcome. They'd both get fed, she'd feel respected, and he would understand his leaving dirty dishes in the sink makes some else's life harder.
When we take time to notice what we want to avoid, and plan from an intentionally positive perspective, we stand to come out happier. Intentionally perpetuating that which we enjoy produces the same outcome. We get more of what we want, and we have our own intentionality to thank for it, at least in part.
At 11, Anne just begins showing the signs of hormonal stress. Last week it was the Girl Scout Cookie Saga. I'd let her place our order, and when the cookies came, she had some. Then she let the boxes sit on my desk for over a week. When a meeting came up, I grabbed the left-over boxes as an offering. When she saw they were gone, she lost it. Ok, I accept some blame, and have replaced the lost loot. However, her responses these days definately reveal an added dimension of poiniency.
What to do? So unpredictable! She's a mystery to herself; how could we begin to understand or anticipate her needs and responses when she herself is learning? And I predict, based on personal experience, she's in for many years of dealing with hormones and intense emotions. How best to parent in these unpredictable waters?
Here's our plan: Notice, notice, notice. You're angry? So how does your body feel? You're stressed out? What is your body doing to tell you that? You're worried? What do you notice going on for you physically right now?
I know full well that telling her what to do will only piss her off. And I could be wrong about whatever solutions I invent. Ultimately I want her to know herself. Know what she needs, understand how to meet those needs, and in the end, feel capable of, and intentional about, caring for herself. It seems to be working for me, and it's my best hope for her at least for now.
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